In another post we looked at gaslighting.
Unfortunately gaslighting itself can be used as a means to control the narrative and to deny another their reality.
Discerning between what is gaslighting and actual cognitive distortion in a relationship is a crucial aspect of sound mental health.
As with gaslighting, cognitive distortion can be recognized in self or other. In an ideal world one achieves enough awareness to recognize it wherever it appears.
What is cognitive distortion?
As the name suggests, cognitive distortion involves an imbalance, usually toward the negative, in our thinking. It is, in short, a form of habitual biased thinking.
These patterns of thinking can lead to chronic anxiety, depression and behavioral problems such as substance abuse.
Recognizing the distortions
There are many types of distortions but recognizing them in oneself or in a partner are key. While it is never advisable to call a significant other crazy, it’s vital to recognize, as objectively as possible, when a form of crazy is happening.
- Black and white thinking. Also known as all-or-nothing or polarized thinking, this occurs when a person sees things in terms of extremes. Think amazing or awful, always or never, absolute success or failure. A corresponding psychoanalytic term is splitting.
- Mind reading. This is when a person, without credible evidence, lays claim, with a degree of certitude, to what another is thinking or feeling. Seeing a lover frown and then concluding that they are thinking bad thoughts about oneself would be an example.
- Jumping to conclusions. When a person concludes, again with a degree of certitude but without substantial evidence, how an event will unfold before it does.
- Overgeneralization. When the outcome of a single event causes one to conclude that that will be the outcome in all future events. A partner who shows up late to an event, for example, is then understood to be imminently late in all future such occurrences.
- Emotional reasoning. This occurs when a person takes the emotions he’s feeling as fact. This can be tricky to identify. While it is important to have all of one’s feelings, those feelings should not serve as the only basis of reality. A person may feel jealous but that does not mean her partner is cheating on her. A person may feel angry (or hurt) but that does not mean the partner caused (intentionally or otherwise) that hurt.
What to do with these distortions
If you recognize these traits of cognitive distortions in yourself it is vital to assess them as honestly as possible. Spend time alone, away from societal chatter and negative stimuli, learning about your mental impulses and actions.
If you recognize them in others it is important to detach from the distortions. This does not mean becoming cold and heartless or avoidant. It means instead not engaging with the distortions themselves as doing so can inflame them. Allow the other person to have them without trying to fix or change them.
In either case a trained professional can help, providing guidance, safety and clarity around the endeavor.
Cognitive behavioral therapy was founded by Aaron T. Beck in no small measure as a way of skillfully handling cognitive distortions.
Other modalities, such as psychodynamic psychotherapy, are also viable options, with the potential for more in-depth understanding of the intra- and inter-personal dynamics at play.