I have what you might call self-directed conversations.
I use a voice recorder to essentially talk to myself out loud. I do this when I’m alone and (though I try to minimize it) even when others pass by.
I’m doing it not for an audience (though I’ll contradict that in just a moment) but for myself, to understand me better.
My self talk—call it audio journalling—includes free associations of my thoughts and feelings.[1]I also sometimes read out loud. I do this especially for Shakespeare and other intellectually demanding works, and in a made-up British accent. Henry James was known in his later years have hired a … Continue reading
Here are two samples I recorded from the dissolution of a long-term relationship:
“One of the things I struggle with most is the definitiveness of the divorce. I’ve had a hard time accepting that it’s a reality. There’s still a part of me that keeps a sliver of hope that at the last second I or some life force will swoop in and make it all not happen and we’ll go back to the way it was. And that tension between what is the apparent reality and then hope, call it delusion, is really the thing right now that’s making this more difficult than it would be otherwise.”
And,
“I’m really trying to look back and ask questions but I’m also trying not to fix the past or have it play out radically differently. The past is the past, the past happened and it happened not just because of me, and that’s the part that I have to be conscious of continually. It happened in part because of me but it happened because of me and my interactions with another person who brings her unique self and all its variables to the dynamic that we created and that we played out over many years.”
Strange as it may sound, talking to myself like this is one of the saner things I do.
What started out as a suggestion from my analyst when we were going to be without a session for a stretch has turned into a regular occurrence. (And yes, for those wondering, I still attend therapy.)[2]In fact, the self-talk has served as a complement to the work I do in therapy. It’s a form of improvised practice for sharing all of myself with another.
On Why I Self-Talk
So why do I do it? And what do I get out of it?
Audio journalling helps complete my overall process of self-reflection.[3]If one is engaged in self-talk that is largely illogical, incoherent, markedly disordered or excessively negative or accompanied by auditory or visual hallucinations that may be a sign of … Continue reading My thoughts alone are obsessive, hidden, elusive; my words, once I’ve uttered them, feel concrete.
I pay attention to the sound of my own voice—what I’m saying and how I’m saying it. I can modify it, if I need to, without the reactive prompts of another. I need not neurotically question how others perceive me and I can now more readily perceive me.
Speaking my insides also lifts a veil of shame. I believe one of the most difficult things people contend with is their “hidden” thoughts—the very ones they want no one to know about.
Speaking out loud provides a middle ground between repressing thoughts and the immensely liberating act of sharing them with another.
By speaking into a recorder (I used a dedicated one but my mobile phone’s Voice Memos app also provides one) I can play the thoughts back to me. Speaking in this way becomes, paradoxically, sustained listening. I become my own trusted judge.
I might recoil at first (“did I really just say that?!”) but over time I’ve built an immunity to quick rejections of myself. I’ve learned a new way of relating—to all parts of myself.
If I can tolerate me, I can have far fewer hangups about others doing the same—even when they don’t.
Notes, etc.
| ↑1 | I also sometimes read out loud. I do this especially for Shakespeare and other intellectually demanding works, and in a made-up British accent. Henry James was known in his later years have hired a secretary to take dictation. “It all seems,” he said, “to be so much more effectively and unceasingly pulled out of me in speech than in writing.” |
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| ↑2 | In fact, the self-talk has served as a complement to the work I do in therapy. It’s a form of improvised practice for sharing all of myself with another. |
| ↑3 | If one is engaged in self-talk that is largely illogical, incoherent, markedly disordered or excessively negative or accompanied by auditory or visual hallucinations that may be a sign of schizophrenia, or other conditions such as bipolar disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder. Professional help should be sought. |