The term “gaslighting” has become a catch-all and therefore misused.
Here we’ll look at gaslighting and in a related entry we’ll look at cognitive distortions to make an important inter-personal and clinical distinction.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting[1]The term has its origins in a 1938 work by British playwright Patrick Hamilton called Gas Light which later became a 1944 film starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. Husband Gregory is intent on … Continue reading refers to the act of causing another person to question their own (otherwise normal) reality.
Gaslighting, not always conscious, is an act of manipulation. By repeating falsehoods the perpetrator (the “gaslighter”) gets the victim (the “gaslighted”) to question her reality.[2]The term has strong gender connotations, with the woman often cast as victim, but the phenomenon is not at all specific to gender. It can occur with a spouse or lover, a sibling or or parent or … Continue reading
A real danger lies in the the victim believing the gaslighter’s falsehoods and then losing grip on reality.
How to recognize it
If a partner is constantly questioning your reality and you find yourself subsequently doing the same you may be a victim of gaslighting. But gaslighting can also be recognized by the one doing it, who’s often not even aware of the phenomenon.
Common phrases used by gaslighters include things like:
- “That didn’t happen” (even though it did).
- “You’re imagining things” as a common refrain.
- “You’re crazy, and everyone says so.”
- “You have a really bad memory,” or “You don’t remember things clearly.” People’s recall of an event can differ significantly but the gaslighter will make this claim more generally, to cover most if not all situations of remembering.
- “You’re overreacting” or “You’re hysterical.”
In short, gaslighting involves undermining, invalidating and denying another person’s emotions so as to deny their reality. It is a means of control for the gaslighter, influencing the gaslighted’s perceptions but also making her more dependent upon the gaslighter for a sense of reality.
How to handle gaslighting
If you feel you’re the victim (or even perpetrator) of gaslighting it is important to address it as soon as possible.
First, it’s important to have all of your feelings. “First thought best thought,” poet Allen Ginsberg once said. This should not be confused with “only thought,” or “truth” with a capital T, but it’s used here to underscore the need to trust your perceptions and to allow your authentic self to come to the fore. Writing down your thoughts, feelings and statements can help one concretize and analyze these feelings for oneself.
Second, share your experience with a third party. A friend or family member mature and trusted enough to offer a brutally honest assessment can be helpful. A mental health professional is even better. Either way, getting a fresh perspective is vital.
Notes, etc.
| ↑1 | The term has its origins in a 1938 work by British playwright Patrick Hamilton called Gas Light which later became a 1944 film starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. Husband Gregory is intent on convincing his wife Paula that she’s insane so that he can commit her to a mental institution and lay claim to jewels she’s inherited. In one famous scene he causes the gas lights in the house to flicker and when she questions what’s happening he explains that it’s all in her mind. |
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| ↑2 | The term has strong gender connotations, with the woman often cast as victim, but the phenomenon is not at all specific to gender. It can occur with a spouse or lover, a sibling or or parent or relative, a boss or friend. Commonly the victim is vulnerable and on the lower end of the power dynamic and therefore fearful of loss of the relationship if the narrative is challenged. |