The Corrosive Effect of Guilt on Our Relationships

There’s a common belief that guilt—the feeling of having done something wrong—serves a needed function, that as a “prosocial emotion” it pushes those in its grips to mend the harm caused to another.

While this sometimes occurs, my work in private practice has revealed guilt as not simply a generous and reparative emotion but a narcissistic and protective one.

It turns out it’s often used (unconsciously) as a means to draw pity to oneself rather than to offer empathy to another.

Guilt as a non-apology

We can start with a familiar example. A friend or colleague who’s running late to an appointment may, upon arriving, apologize. “I’m so sorry I’m late,” they might say. “Traffic was awful and…” They might convey again how awful they feel.

At a certain point we tune out, for as apologetic as these comments may seem, they do not constitute an apology.

This is because at their root they’re about absolving the person of their actions that caused the feeling of guilt in the first place.

Guilt here has not moved the person toward the repair of any rupture. It has served to protect little more than the conscience of the offending person, to help their standing in the eyes of themselves and another.^[1]It would be quite different if the person arriving late entered discreetly, saving a sincere and felt apology for later.

This same maladaptive pattern plays out  in many of the couples I treat, playing an unseen but corrosive role in their relationships.

Guilt and disconnection

Couples in therapy are often wishing to resolve grievances. One person often presents a problem they feel has been caused by another.

A typical response from the transgressor, especially from those who are new to couples treatment, is to apologize for what they’ve done. Sometimes they even vow to not let it happen again.

This is quite familiar to most of us. From the time we’re young (think of, say, the classroom or the playground) we’re conditioned to respond this way, to quickly issue an apology for our wrong actions.

This may work for a while but in our adult relationships, especially our intimate ones, this poses a problem.

This is because the rapid move to an apology, which often comes with an attached communication of guilt, represents an avoidance.^[2]This can range from “I’m sorry” to “I didn’t mean to” to “I feel so bad” to “I won’t let this happen again.”

It’s an avoidance of the reality and totality of the pain caused to another. But it’s also an avoidance of one’s own feelings.

The words of apology become a reaction to—a wish to expel—feelings rather than the feeling of the feelings.

This is the essence of disconnection.

When guilt is actually felt

One of our central tasks as therapists is to truly stay with the feelings of our patients and to guide them toward doing the same, with themselves and with others.

In couples work this sometimes involves confronting impulsive apologies when they occur. The patient can then be guided toward staying with feelings (again those of the other and also their own) for literally a beat or two longer—long enough to feel rather than act.^[3]By beat, I mean the equivalent of what one might find in a film script. This minor adjustment can improve one’s ability to begin to experience and tolerate feelings.

This allows the guilt to be felt rather than displayed. He can now see what he is truly guilty about rather than merely that he feels guilty and wishes to be rid of this feeling, to be told that his actions, and therefore he, are okay.

From here a new space instantly opens up for the couple. In the longer term a tolerance for feelings develops.^[4]Individual therapy becomes a constructive space in which to more fully analyze one’s guilt, including its origins, manifestations and multiple other aspects, including even our compulsion to … Continue reading

An apology may still occur of course, but it will feel different—for both people. Guilt has now shifted from being a performative emotion to an authentic and connective one.