What’s Meant by Healthy Confrontation

For many, the idea of confrontation induces fear.

We tend to think of it as aggressive and repellent. But there’s another perspective.

Confrontation, done right, can lead to closeness and intimacy. With confrontation you’ve gone to the uncomfortable side of things without abandoning the other person or the relationship.

You’ve communicated: yes, I’m willing to go there. It can be a healthy risk, a sign of genuine interest in the other, and a willingness to take the relationship to the next level.

So what is healthy confrontation and how can we use it to improve our well-being?

Confrontation: a brief example

There are for me two types of confrontation: societal and inter-personal. Both can be great but we’ll focus on the latter.

I’ll start with a brief story.

My psychoanalyst had years ago invited me into group therapy with several of his other patients. I was probably about three weeks in when I showed up early to a session. Several fellow members were already seated around the periphery of his office talking.

I took a seat and listened (and judged). I had little to say and so turned my attention to the books on the shelf behind me. (There was also, I remember, a baseball signed by Duke Snider.) I pulled one of the books off the shelf and began to leaf through it.

My analyst, none too pleased, asked, “Mr. Gatsiounis,^[1]It is common within psychoanalytic circles for peers and colleagues to address one another with Mr., Ms. etc. What seemed awkward at first began to feel elevated and chronically respectful. I wish it … Continue reading what are you doing?”

“Me? Looking at this book.”

“Did you ask me to take the book off the shelf?”

“No, but I was bored.”

“You were bored,” he echoed back. I knew there was more to my actions than a first glance might suggest.

The larger group conversation stopped but he spared me further humiliation. We did, however, take it up in my individual session.

First, he said, he didn’t appreciate that I’d taken something of his without asking. He was also curious as to why I’d pulled the book off the shelf.

Lying on his couch, I worked through it. I realized I’d picked up the book out of anxiety—about having to sit awkwardly while others who knew each other made me feel excluded. I had also picked it up out of hostility—paging through the book was a big gesture of “fuck you all, I have better things to do.”

It was a profound insight. I was soon in tears, not from pain but relief and gratitude.

So what happened?

My analyst didn’t abandon me or even judge me. But he did have the courage to confront my maladaptive response. The subtext of that has never been lost on me: He was willing to relate to and help us understand all parts of me, including the dysfunctional ones. He cared, and so our bond was strengthened that day.

And that’s just it. Healthy confrontation has the capacity to infuse our most important relationships with newfound closeness.

What it’s not

Before getting to what healthy confrontation is, we should discuss what it’s not. This is vital as callous understanding of confrontation (just like of boundaries) can really damage relationships.

Be careful.

It should never involve yelling, berating or cursing at another. It should not contain an air of frustration or hostility or blame or even passive aggression. It’s also not public but handled privately, one-to-one.

Confrontation should generally not contain historical events, or those that occurred a long time before in the relationship. Nor should it contain hearsay (e.g., “All our friends have agreed that you…”). History and hearsay are not pleasant burdens for anyone to carry and so conversation should focus on the present, sticking to the issue at hand.

You need to be highly self-aware on these matters and revise your approach accordingly.

Remove from yourself the hope^[2]Unmet expectations can be a real problem in our relations with others. Remove expectations and we often remove a wellspring of our misery. that your confrontation will inspire reflection or change in another. Healthy confrontation should be initiated not so another will change per se but to meet your own need to express yourself, to do your part in that regard, in service of self and the relationship.

Healthy confrontation can only reliably occur with a commensurate amount of self-awareness. If you’re unsure about this, therapy is a great place to start.

What it is

In the example given above my analyst approached me with a question. This incited some self-reflection.

In the larger world it can play out a bit differently. But generally healthy confrontation is built not on accusation but on observation. Accusation requires another person to be the object of our scrutiny, ire and blame. It also puts them on the defensive and turns the exchange into a power struggle based on a sense of right and wrong. That rarely leads to a good place.

Observation involves a healthy detachment and places focus on what can more readily be agreed upon as facts.

A good approach can be to use “I” statements. “I feel _____________ (emotion) when ____________ (a behavior) happens.” You can add to this “I would like to feel ____________ (emotion) in this relationship.”

Some trust is involved here. Trust that the other can rationally receive what’s being conveyed. A sign of a good partner is not necessarily someone who changes exactly how we want but who has a sensitive regard for our perspective and our expressed needs.^[3]If things escalate, politely table the conversation. In a short while we come to realize that few things need to be resolved now. Likewise, as a clinical supervisor reminded me years ago: … Continue reading

Likewise, we need to show them the same courtesy when they respond with their own perspective. We need to be genuinely curious about this as confrontation cannot reliably work without it. Confrontation isn’t about punching up or punching down; it’s a civil exchange. Our willingness to listen and genuinely reflect on what they’ve said is a key skill in building the relationship.

Many people are conflict-avoidant. And it stands to reason: Avoiding conflict also lets us avoid our fear—fear of losing the other person, of causing pain to them and ourselves and of a sense of not doing things right.

And yet we then carry a burden. A quiet unease emerges. Over time it can fester and become full-blown resentment that can in turn poison the relationship.

If we can overcome our anxiety around respectful and purposeful confrontation we can move one step closer to the relationships we truly want.