A common refrain issued to a person suffering relationship woes often includes the dictum “detach.”
But what is healthy detachment really and how is it that so many get it so wrong?
What detachment is not
Our self-help version of detachment often comes by way of Buddha, who famously said “the root of suffering is attachment.”[1]I am not a Buddhist philosopher, nor is my psychotherapy practice built around principles of Buddhist philosophy.As different as these two practices, one East and one West, may seem there has been a … Continue reading An equally engaging version of detachment philosophy comes by way of the ancient Stoics.
The concept of detachment, regardless of affiliation, is a central element in living a healthy and happy life.
Before getting to what detachment is, a few quick words about what detachment is not.
It is not a form of willful indifference, a white-knuckle approach whereby we try, as hard as we can, to not give a shit.[2]Trying to ignore something still involves the psychic presence of the thing we’re trying to ignore. If I say “not blue,” for instance, blue is still present. Opposites are … Continue reading
Nor is it any of the following:
- Being cold, heartless or unloving
- Avoiding all conflict[3]It may involve putting off a conversation until “cooler heads prevail” but it is not an indefinite postponement associated with stonewalling.
- Not having goals or a sense of direction
- Being above or “so beyond” a person or situation
- Abandoning another person
- Selfishly “just taking care of me”
Detachment is, we could say, less the opposite of attachment than freedom from attachment.
Attachment and its signs
Attachment is rooted in our sense of self and desire. We see something, deem it good or bad, and then act accordingly. If deemed good we attempt to make it “mine,” to possess it, to connect this thing with me. This is attachment. Even if we deem a thing bad and attempt fervently to push it away we are engaging in attachment—in this case to outcome.
Attachment can pertain to everything from people and objects to ideas and concepts.
Signs of attachment include:
- Strong opinions
- Greed
- Jealousy
- Covetousness
- A need to be right
- Anger
- Strong adherence to narrative explanations
- Impulsivity
- Attempts to control
- Blame
- Judgment
We attach not only to things that we find joyful but also to things that make us miserable. In short, to whatever gives us a sense of identity.
All of this we intensely fear losing.
At its worst this means our carefully orchestrated life is pervaded by a cumulative anxiety, and we in turn are placed on the constant cusp of existential crisis.
Achieving equilibrium in this state is a lot like feeding an addiction.
What is detachment?
Detachment looks and feels markedly different.
There is a sense of objectivity to it. An ability to see things as they are, rather than how we’d like or expect them to be.
Signs of detachment include:
- calmness
- generosity
- lucidity
- kindness
- non-obsessive thought
- tolerance of uncertainty
- a sense of presence
- and a sense that “this too shall pass”
Above all, healthy detachment involves really engaging the process of whatever it is we’re doing, becoming present with it, rather than becoming dependent on the outcome for our sense of self and well-being.
Getting there
Meditation is a way of relating to detachment. When our mind wanders and obsesses we anchor ourselves to our breath and therefore the present moment. It is often called a practice because we are doing precisely that: learning how to let go of our obsessive mind and re-engage the present. This is a small but profound act of detachment.
Walking, if done right, is a physical activity with strongly meditative elements. Like the breath each step can bring us back to the present moment. An environment free of urban distractions is encouraged to achieve the full effect.
Lastly, psychodynamic psychotherapy is a wonderful way of relating to detachment. This type of therapy has the added benefit of using the therapist-patient relationship to activate and explore the intra- and inter-personal dynamics at play.
A well-trained psychotherapist is capable of tolerating all aspects of a patient, no matter how dysfunctional, and therefore of modeling proper, constructive modes attachment and detachment.
Out of this a true and lasting connection emerges.
Notes, etc.
| ↑1 | I am not a Buddhist philosopher, nor is my psychotherapy practice built around principles of Buddhist philosophy.As different as these two practices, one East and one West, may seem there has been a healthy dialogue between the two. There are differences, but there is also plenty of overlap and both are thoroughly engaged in understanding our human condition. |
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| ↑2 | Trying to ignore something still involves the psychic presence of the thing we’re trying to ignore. If I say “not blue,” for instance, blue is still present. Opposites are inherently connected. |
| ↑3 | It may involve putting off a conversation until “cooler heads prevail” but it is not an indefinite postponement associated with stonewalling. |